


Random Thoughts

by Ive_been_ghosting_along



Category: Secret History - Donna Tartt
Genre: Gen, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, TSH was the first to come to mind, im sorry, just wanted a place to share my thoughts, scroll past this, this has nothing to do with TSH
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-24
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-12 06:08:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29130828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ive_been_ghosting_along/pseuds/Ive_been_ghosting_along
Summary: "... I am nothing in my soul if not obsessive" - Donna Tartt, The Secret History
Comments: 2
Kudos: 4





	Random Thoughts

**Author's Note:**

> Not quite sure to be completely honest

To be great is to be terrible

It's so difficult to relearn how to want; most of the time you fall back on the desires of others. What folly! What undesirable circumstances, to lust after something your soul resents just to remember what wanting feels like. Luxury, riches, items - it is all so hollow, so plain, and the worst thing is that it piles and piles until you have so much nothing. But I had to want. And so I had to relearn. It is so hard to put yourself back together after going insane.

I'm afraid I've lost my mind far too many times already. I'm afraid that I want to be too many things at once

I wish I could vomit out all the bad parts of me

I felt in my heart, plagued by a sort of innate inadequacy

Describing someone as extremely concerned about their life is a remarkable thing 

I want to feel something that has nothing to do with me.

I have never felt once before in my life so uninterested in living.

What happens when pain isn't fun anymore?

Sometimes the people you really love hurt you real bad, and you're upset but you don't wanna hurt them, so then where does your pain go? "Man takes his sadness down to the river, but he's still left with his hands", so how the hell am I supposed to feel.

Mostly I drink to sleep, or at the very least, enjoy being awake.

Everyone is quite a different person inside their own head (something therapists forget a lot)  
  


  
The idea that life is just a collection of moments is truly the most horrendously oppressive one.  
  


  
Humans have an interesting way of rationalizing their pain.  
  


  
During school, at least there is a reason for my waking, or a reason for my avoiding, at least I'd be missing something important, without it I feel like a blood cell suspended in plasma, floating around waiting for something to happen.  
  


  
I'm afraid that there is nothing in this reality that interests me any longer.

I feel that, as a child, I was hardly allowed to be angry, which of course did nothing to deter how angry I often was. I'm not angry very much anymore, but not in a peaceful way - in a resigned way, in a was-that-supposed-to-surprise-me way, which I think, quite assuredly, is far worse than being angry.

I thought talking to him would make me feel better, make me feel normal. He can't even do that, he can't even comfort me after fucking me up.

The power of familiarity is quite imposing isn't it?

In the face of adversary, or at least perceived adversary, I seem to move very quietly, and slow my breathing to nearly nothing, just so that I might not be seen, which is not at all how I used to approach it.


End file.
